If life were a movie

 People worry about me? People care about me? I'm so glad to know that.

But what can I do when I don't know how to save myself from drowning? 

Sometimes, I can't feel that if I'm existing...

What is my day look like?

I have terrible insomnia that I suffered for years. It is not still improving that even I took the sleeping pills, it is not working well. I took Xanax .... 

I always woke up with terrible headache. I didn't have a good sleep that I am having scary nightmares every single day. I don't even wanna wake up from the bed. I picked up the phone and scroll down the messages and my page. My Stomach feels so empty that I didn't eat anything last night. However, I'm losing my appetite. At the same time, my body feels so weak and exhausted. I am having rapid heart beat these days that I can't breath well. My Stomachache is also feeling so bad. I can't run or do any physical activities like I did before. My Cervical spondylosis is not getting well? Why? Cuz I'm not taking any medicine or taking care of myself.

I feel like I'm losing myself. 

Last night, I try to read a book. I just read two or three lines and I couldn't able to focus on reading anymore.

And now, I need to eat sth for breakfast. It is 11:30 am. My head is spinning. I ordered my fav noodle from food panda. Mary asked me if I'm ok. I said No. I don't wanna eat anything. She encouraged me. I appreciate. However, I am numb. I have no motivation to do anything. I am freezing. I got my breakfast. I try to eat. I just ate just a tiny amount and can't eat anymore. I know it is my stomach and digestive issue. Whenever, I feel stressed or depressed, my body can't accept foods and my stomach can't digest well. I need to take medicine I know. But, I just don't want to. 

I need to work. I have a lot of things to do.... How can I achieve things when I'm feeling like this? I have my family who are depending on me, my employees. I need to make a lot of money to keep my business going and to make a living out of it. I can't just stop working.

I am crying out loud. I wonder why am I crying , why the tears come out. I don't know why. I feel sad about myself. 

I texted him if he cares , he shall come and see me now. I thought if he do, I would feel better? May be I could see the light? 

I don't know.

I read in a book that even if you are winning thousands people and you can't win your mind. U r not actually winning.

Of course, I'm losing in life. 

I know it is not out of my reach to get out of this hell. One step at a time. ...

What if today is the last day of my life? 

How will I survive?